Letter from Your Higher Self

•May 4, 2011 • 2 Comments

alizee

About Wound… And about Licking It

•April 28, 2011 • 4 Comments

As you may have known by now, I regard this blog as a manifestation of my social responsibility to the world (and you, my friend, happen to be in it). This responsibility arises from my own journey in this universe−throughout which I have experienced and learned wonderful things.

The most wonderful aspect of the journey, I think, is the chance to feel pain or to be wounded. This may come from experiencing failure, loss, or others. Now, before you start to think of me as some sadomasochistic dude or something… Errr, well, let me tell you that I’m not. I don’t derrive pleasure from being hurt. I suffered from it. But that’s when the beauty comes into play.

As Buddha noted, suffering is the essence of living. Suffering is the end (or the new beginning) of the cycle of whatever you aspire to in your life. Let see if this example reasonates with you:

“… First, you spend your day with your collection of porn miserably, waiting for a beautiful girl to come filling your life; you take action and you finally get your desired girlfriend; you feel happy as you’re delighted by her beauty and affection; for some reasons you break up; you start to feel depressed; and before you know it… You start to watch porn miserably, and wait for another beautiful girlfriend (again)…”

And again, before you start to judge me (or Buddha… I’m just agreeing with him after all, you know) of being a pessimist, please look at your life. It does happen, in a different form, in a different girl, car, achievement, house, or professions…

So, what does this tell you? No… It doesn’t tell you that you’re doomed, pessimist (ha-ha, kidding). It, in fact, tells us that we are liberated−that being happy is good, but so is suffering. It tells us that it’s normal to experience any feeling. It tells us that whatever you’re experiencing right now, whatever phase you’re at in the so-called samsara cycle, is just what it is.

In particular, the underrated suffering has it’s own blessing in disguise. It gives you the depth of life. It gives you a chance to lick your wound and be wise, as it reminds you that all the things you think you have in this world−again, I’m talking about girls, car, achievements, etc…−  are just illusions (yes, your trophy you’ve got from a competition, is just a figure made out of metal to which you, your father, and colleagues give a handful of meaning… Think about it). It tells you that you’re more than those stuffs (suggested reading: Fight Club, by Chuck Palahniuk), not to mention that it connects you with everyone (where do you think sympathy and empathy come from?).

Anyway, enough of all of this mumbling. The moral of the story is… This universe is essentially good. It is only capable of giving love through the happiness of your illusions as well as the lessons you experience throughout your suffering.

For now, just cheer up and smile. J

Have a good day (and enjoy licking your wound),

Ganda H.

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Confidence as One of Your Greatest Currencies

•April 22, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Metaphors are often used to demonstrate lessons in life. I remember how one of my past friends saw life as a cup of coffee−whereby sweetness and bitterness mixed up. Nowadays, I often regard my life as storage rooms whereby you store all of your assets or stuffs or, the way I like to call it, currencies.

The currencies I’m talking about here comprise all the attributes you have in life­­ − i.e. love, energy, money, time, knowledge, happiness, etc. You exchange all of these things with other human beings as you go through your day to day life. When you spend your time with your lover, for example, you exchange your time, love, and energy for his/her time, love, and energy.

By using such metaphor, however, I do not wish to regard all of those currencies as limited. In some spiritual school of thoughts, such as Buddhism and Dao de Ching, all of those currencies can be regarded, in fact, as unlimited.

The purpose of me writing this, is to elucidate what I regard as one of the greatest currencies that have ever been there, confidence (for the purpose of this writing, Confidence is as defined by the 14th edition Oxford Dictionary, “a positive feeling arising from an appreciation of one’s own abilities”). It is great because in some cases it actually determine whether or not you get something you really, really, really want. It is a fair argument that confidence is responsible for the successes of Edison in inventing the light bulb and Lincoln in raising to the top place in politics.

imagea. The purpose of confidence

Suppose your soul is an automobile, I would think confidence as the fuel which gives it power to move forward. Practically, without it we can’t move forward in actualizing ourselves.

b. But where does it come from?

As the author Jack Canfield puts it, there are two sources where you can draw your confidence. You can draw confidence from without as well as within yourself.

The first one, confidence from without one’s self, is the most common we see in our life. Everyday we see how a lecturer would be so confident in giving his lecture. You put him in a night club he would probably be half as confident. In that case, the lecturer draw the confidence from the environment in which he is.

The second one is my favorite, inner confidence. This is the kind which comes from character and a courageous heart. This is the place where you can be confident despite the places you’re in, the number of drinks with which you’re familiar, the number of people you know at a certain environment, etc. Think of someone like Bruce Wayne. Put him in any environment in this world, I don’t think he would lose his composure as he is well aware of his place in the world−as well as his faculties.

c. The one million dollar question, can we sort of “hack” it the way we want?

By hacking it, I suppose you mean to have the confidence almost all the times, to which my answer is… Yes and no.

I said yes because, despite the factors outside ourselves, we can always choose to know our places in the world. We do this by acknowledging that, as Robert Allen puts it, everything you want is practically outside your comfort zone. It’s okay to fear, it’s okay to be frustrated and it’s okay as well to be put down on you knees. It’s life. No one has ever said that it was going to be easy, right?

On the other end, I said no because there isn’t one-time thing to do that can make you be confident at all times (and no… Attending confidence seminar and reading confidence book won’t do. Anything that tells you the contrary is bulls**t, sorry). You have to be consistently courageous. Doing the right things shall be your life policy you uphold every second of your life. It’s only when you do the right things consistently despite the environments and feelings, you’ll start to feel self-assured or confident.

Now, what I propose you to do is… To actually forget 90% of this writing. Really, forget it (nice advice, huh? J). The important part of this writing is the last paragraph (the paragraph before this). That’s the real thing that shall be nailed down to our heads and hearts.

Have a good day,

Ganda H.

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I Question, Therefore I am Alive

•July 15, 2010 • 2 Comments

The title looks familiar to you? Yes, of course it might. In fact, I admit that I depicted it from René Descartes’ notion, “Cogito Ergo Sum (I think therefore I am).” Why did I depict that notion? Two reasons, first, I can do that –for no one copyright classics; and second, that’s the most perfect title I could think of at that time for this piece of writing.

Now let’s talk about my favorite topic for today. This is, in my opinion, one of the most significant things one can do in his/her life. If you can perfect your skill on this one, your life will become more interesting. William Wallace noted in the movie Braveheart, “Every man dies, (but) not every man really lives.” Well, if you think your life is pretty stagnant and boring, today might be your lucky day because what I’m about to share will shed some light in your head.

Without further ado, that topic is the power of question, my friend… Yes, the question. But this is pretty much different than the kind of question you might think. Allow me to clarify, I’m not talking about the academic questions you ask towards your teachers, lecturers or parents, nor am I talking about those insecure questions you often ask towards your girlfriend/boyfriend… I am simply talking about the questions you ask to yourself. The ones that make you think. The ones that make you move –in your life. The ones to which you’re happy when you find the answers.

Been doing that one often, lately? If the answer is yes, then you do not need to read on. But if the answer is to the contrary, then I’m pretty sure you will have had something by the time you finish… Scroll down, buddy.

Those Zen monks often note that everything that you ever desire, actually you’ve already got them all fulfilled in you. That notion arises from the basic premise that every human being is a divine representation of God. Well, I’m not suggesting that you should adopt this point of view directly. I’m just inviting you to take this view, if you haven’t already, with an open mind. Because the next thing I’m about to state comes from this idea.

Look again to the word “everything” in the first sentence of the previous paragraph. What does “everything” leave out? You’re right, nothing. And my point is that “everything” includes every answer that you will ever need. That does make sense in my opinion. And it is indeed something wonderful. I mean, think about it. All questions ranged from what you should do towards anyone that agitates you, up to what your purpose in life actually is, you have all the answers to those questions!

Now before you get to excited, let’s put all of the aforementioned ideas aside, and think about Sigmund Freud’s theory of subconscious mind for a second (don’t worry, all of these will make sense in the end when being put together with all of the points above). It states that every human being has the subconscious thoughts -all of the thoughts that lie in the background of our conscious thoughts. This subconscious thoughts differ from the conscious thoughts, such as “that girl is hot, I can’t do this, or I’m not in the mood for studying” kind of thing, in the sense that we are unaware of those subconscious thoughts. The thing is, subconscious thoughts/mind thingy is way more powerful than the conscious one. We can’t really do anything if that thing contravenes our subconscious mind. That explains why people find that it is difficult to stop smoking or stop procrastinating, and also, why sometimes you find girls say often that they hate jerks but then they continue to date jerks anyhow (because their subconscious mind has grown accustomed to those things). The point that I’m trying to put onto the table are, that subconscious mind is way more powerful than the conscious one, and that we always move towards the realization of it.

The next question then would be whether the subconscious mind can be changed. The answer is, yes. Psychotherapist and those spiritual guys, for instance, have developed ways to reach out subconscious mind, and gradually change it for the better. The ways are various, for instance hypnotherapy, meditation, affirmation, visualization, and others. I’ve tried and experimented some of them myself for about a year (ha-ha-ha, I know it’s short, but it’s still counting, dude), experienced some great results, and found one thing that they all have in common. Those ways involve lowering our brainwave.

Now dude, let’s talk about brainwave for a second (and I promise you, this will be the last weird thing I talk about for today before we’ll come into conclusion… I know how you feel, ha-ha). To make it simple, brainwave is some kind of wave that is vibrating in your brain and can be measured by hertz. The higher your brainwave is, the more focused you’ll be –when we’re talking with our friend in the cantina, our brainwave is ranging 16-30Hz in average, while it can be as high as 48Hz  when we’re preparing for a buzzer-beater 3pt shoot in the basketball court. The lower your brainwave is the more tranquil and relaxed you’ll feel –when we’re sleeping; our brainwave can reach as low as 5Hz while it’ll be a bit higher when we’re meditating. Researches have found that when your brainwave is low, you are connected to this subconscious mind, you can access it.

Okay, back to the topic. So, how to tie all of these information then? I propose one practical way to use it in your favor. Think about one question, just for your experiment, that you would like to be answered. And tonight, while you’re lying down before sleep;

  1. Close your eyes and be relaxed. Be awake; try to quiet your mind.
  2. It’s alright if there’s a random thought passes by, just let it go. Do this for about 5-10 minutes and you’ll notice change in your body. You’ll start to feel a pleasant sense of tranquility.
  3. State that question (in your mind) in the positive sentence and in the present tense. And also don’t forget to state that you’re sure that you’ll be answered and fulfilled. For instance, “What is the answer of (…state your concern here…)? I am answered and fulfilled.”
  4. Say that several times, and then go to sleep.

Do the whole process for couple of nights. What will happen next is, this will program your subconscious mind and you will unconsciously move towards the realization of the answer in your life, be it in the form of dream, experience, etc… Just trust your gut and Good luck!

The guy who asks a lot of questions,

-Ganda-

Suspense Thriller Metaphor

•December 26, 2009 • 5 Comments

 

Merry Christmas, dude. I don’t know if it’s just me or is everyone also getting a real difficulty finding a good Christmas Movie this year? Anyway, I ended up watching “Die Hard,” the first one. Although the movie is a “one man kicks bad guys’ ass” kinds of movie, it was packaged in a Christmas theme nonetheless, ha-ha (yea, whatever…). It made me realize that, apparently, I do love to watch that kinds of movies be it 24, Die Hard, Hostages, etc.

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Those movies are often involving several characters in common and I can name five of them. FIRST, there are the hostages, the ones who are helpless. SECOND, we have the reporters, whose purpose solely is to get the news. THIRD, there are cops, FBI, and whatnot who are standing outside the building and do the thinking. FOURTH, we have the perpetrators, the bad guys who are inside the building and getting what they want. LASTLY, we finally see the hero who is sneaking inside the ventilation pipe to rescue the hostages, from the inside; these are the Jack Bauer or the John McLane kind of guys.

What makes it cool to talk about these five kinds of peoples is that each of them actually represents our real everyday life situations if we look closer. Through the following metaphor you’ll see my point. And after that you can identify which people you do belong to.

[WORD OF CAUTION: by the following metaphor, I do not intend to degrade any of the professions mentioned. This is only my opinion based on the movies I’ve seen and some of my general knowledge. And the following should not be viewed as any medical or professional opinion whatsoever. For God sake, I’m just a guy!]

5. THE HOSTAGES.

These are the helpless people. They need (or at least feel that they need) help from others. They are generally portrayed as dependent on each other. They are afraid. They are confined of their liberty and often perceived as victims of the kidnapping.

When we look at our real life, those characteristics might be familiar, hell; we even might be one of them at a certain stage in our life. Sometimes we let social conditioning, others’ opinions of ourselves, etc define what we should do; therefore we are deprived of our freedom. I bet you can think of times when your parents decide what you should be or what you should do; when your partners tell us the dress we should wear, or when you blame them for your unhappiness (Oh isn’t this familiar…). Hostages are people who are acting like victims, love to blame everything on the situation, and afraid to act. These persons often are approval-seeking, and define themselves by how others treat them.

So, what’s the key here, what makes these hostages are different from other types? The key characteristic is they put the responsibility to take care of themselves in others’ hands.

4. THE REPORTERS.

This people are generally portrayed as some selfish dudes who are at the scene only to gather some news to sell. These are people who take advantage from the situations. Although their presence often does not produce direct disadvantages to others, especially the hostages, nonetheless they only think about their own interest in the process. They also do not really look at the deepness or the essence of the situation, instead, only the surface. Why? It is because of the urgency to take advantages as soon as possible.

When it comes to our real life, these are the value taker people in our lives. They only think about what’s in it for them, and then gone after they finish sucking value of any situations. Because of the urgency to take the values as soon as possible, sometimes they forget to look the situation deeper. These people often don’t live their life by code, and they don’t have any spiritual purpose to make the world a better place for living (I know, I know it sounds a bit “too much,” I’m kind of finding the right way to say it).

Apparently, even many kinds of the modern educational institutions nowadays teach these kinds of lifestyle, not to mention Law Schools (the one I’m in right now, ha-ha). “Tell others what they want to hear; don’t have to pursue your code/destiny/idealism blah-blah-blah… Take the money, and go,” that’s what we are often told to do.

The key characteristic is that “the reporters” kind of persons focusing their life on what they can take/suck out of this life, instead of what they can give.

3. THE LAW ENFORCEMENT DUDES (The Cops, the Feds, the Negotiators, etc).

These are the guys who feel that they’re the one responsible to put the situation under control. Why? It is because of their status/profession as law enforcement dudes. However, this kind of awareness sometimes produces ego, a lot of it, and it clouds their judgments. They love to interact with each other using the chains of command language, to show who is more superior to other. Even though they are working for the safety of the hostages, sometimes their ego clouds their view of situation and also their intuition, and makes it harder for them to decide the right thing to do. They’re also sometimes portrayed as the ones who are thinking too much.

In our real life, a university lecturer who loves to talk on and on about his/her great achievement for hours can fall into this category, along with the self-righteous scholar (or smart ass?) who loves to use magic vocabulary and terms more than is needed in order to convey his/her knowledge to the world. They strive for the sake of others, the nation, the world, or whatever, but they don’t realize that in the process they let their ego get in the way. And sometimes their ego (self-image) prevents them to take action because if they failed then their self-image towards others will be jeopardized, so they only brag about their achievements (the achievements they got when their conscience was still pure) and criticize the current situation. It is only natural for someone with such a huge ego to protect it.

The key to this category is, they use their skill, profession, talent, along with their ego, to do the right thing.

2. THE PERPETRATORS (The Bad Guys!).

Actually it is kind of hard to define what really the perpetrators are all about. It is because based on my research (in the forms of watching countless movies; of course), there are so many kind of bad guys. Therefore in this piece of writing, I’m not covering all psychological aspects of the perpetrators, only the essential parts.

Perpetrators basically are the ones who do what they think are right, in their point of view. It is often conveyed that perpetrators sometimes were initially good guys, but in a certain stage of their lives they became victims of something (be it molestation, their parents murdered, etc) and their lives have never been the same again from then on. Those kinds of thing put some seeds of hatred in their heart and actually made them bad guys who hate certain kinds of people, or even just anyone. They don’t care about others right, others life, etc…

When it comes to real life, the bad guys show themselves in the forms of manipulative friends or others. They have their own objectives. But in essence, they don’t care if by accomplishing those means hurting others in the process.

The key characteristic of the perpetrators is that at a certain point in their lives they were violated or even deprived of their own rights. And it grew hatred inside their hearts to make the situation even with the world.

    AND FINALLY… THE HERO!

This is the coolest part of the movie. A Hero often portrayed as someone who has his/her own feelings, issues, and problems. In the 24, Jack Bauer has his own personal issues with his only child, kimberly, while doing his job. Also John McLane in Die Hard with his wife, Donnie Brasco with his family, and the list is endless. But the distinctive characteristic is that they do the right thing in spite of their own issues, and that really what courageous is all about! They also have high intuition, less ego, and affection towards humanity in general. So they are putting their life to protect others.

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When it comes to real life, what a hard job it is, to find a person who is courageous, put his/her ego aside, and has the purpose of helping others. All my life (as I’m writing this one, I am 20 years old) I haven’t met a single person who fits the criteria directly. Fortunately, some of them show themselves in the forms of motivators, gurus, policemen, and whatnot, and they teach me a lot of things through the books, seminars, life stories, poems, etc. It’s just I’ve never met them in person.

The key of a hero is courage, doing the right things in spite of personal issues to make the world a better place!

 

 

CONCLUSION

…The truth is, everybody is only doing their best with what they have in their lives… ” – Mike Dooley (The author of “Infinite Possibilities”)

I believe that the above quotation is so true, every single one of them, the hostages, perpetrators, reporters, law enforcement dudes, and the hero. They all have their own issues, and they all have choices.

You and I, too, have choices. So ask this to yourself, what will have you been by the end of the year 2010?

Until then, Merry Christmas, I love you.

 

Just a guy who is learning how to be courageous,

Ganda.

You Can Try These

•October 18, 2009 • 3 Comments

 

You can be doing anything right now, but whatever you’re doing, and whatever you’re feeling right now, I promise that, first, you can try these now, and second, these will make you feel happier and more comfortable. So, for the sake of it, just try these… NOW (In case you’re wondering what the hell “these” are, “these” are some of the principles you can adopt right now, and I intended “these” to be some sort of new glasses you can use to see your life).

1. THE FUTURE AND THE PAST DON’T REALLY EXIST.

What?! No, really, the future and the past are just illusions you’ve been thinking about. What does exist, however, is the “now.” It’s like money; we’ve been taught that it’s only a matter of trust system as to why money has such value. Nonetheless it feels so real, and sometimes we feel intimidated by it, even though it’s just paper!

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First, you have to know this. Several studies have concluded that your mind (which gives impulses/instructions to your body on how to react regarding any given situation) can’t really tell a difference between illusion/imaginary and reality. When you draw a picture of a hamster, you often smile while doing it, because your mind tells your body to feel tickled, even though it’s really just a picture. Same principle holds true when we talk about your boyfriend/girlfriend. Even the slightest thought about your lover cheating can make your entire day felt so uncomfortable. The reality is, it’s only in your mind, those things you’ve been thinking about, are not necessarily what really happens.

You can spend your “now” anticipating the future, or grieving about the past, or you can spend it living. You can choose to be afraid of the future, or to be regretful about what you did in the past, or… You can choose to be aware, to feel the air flows through your nose and soothes your body, and be peaceful.

But does thinking always do you harm? That leads to our second point.

2. OFTENTIMES, YOUR MIND DOES YOU MORE HARM THAN GOOD.

Say you’re in a cozy lounge hanging out with your friends. Suddenly there’s a beautiful girl whom you considered “your-type” hanging out with her friends across your spot. Now, what do you do? Do you approach her instantly, or do you tend to create reasons about why you shouldn’t approach? Things like, “wow, she sure looks good, but judging by her face I bet she has a lot of boyfriends,” kinds of thing. And what do you get after that? Nothing, not a chance to make her day cooler than before, see my point?

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Second example, let say you’re in an audition, be it a singing contest, essay competition, and whatnot. While you’re waiting for your turn, you let your mind flows free. And you started to think about losing that competition, you visualize it in your head, you started to feel stifle and you go home soon after, without even trying. Again, see my point?

When you let that silly mind controls your day, it often paralyzes you. Why is that? Because using your mind means thinking. And thinking is your ego’s best friend. Don’t understand? Right, see the first example. Rejection is not something you want to experience, right? When you are rejected, you feel ashamed in front of yourself and your friend. See? Your thinking is like a bridge between your experience and ego. And what does it do in the present case? Preventing you from getting the result you want. This principle also holds true when we examine the second example.

So what do I suggest when it comes to thinking? I suggest that you control your mind. Don’t let it work when you’re not using it. Be in the present moment most of the time. Live it, love it. How? Well, I would suggest you use some kinds of meditation. But for now, for a sneak peak of happiness, you can try this. Take a breath slowly and deeply, feel the air flows through your nose, lungs, and diaphragm. Feel the beautiful presence of it, and just focus on enjoying it. Feel good? Yea! When you try it for the first times maybe the good feeling only last for several seconds, but it will expand as you use it every day.

 

One of Those Happy Kid,

Ganda.

Better Love, Better Life

•September 14, 2009 • 5 Comments

How are you doing, feeling good? Good (whatever state you’re feeling right now, it is good anyhow), because today I want to share something. This is GOLD, but not an ordinary gold, this is a kind of gold which is unlimited, which means after I give it to you, you can give it to others, without being deprived yourself. So again, whatever you’re feeling right now, it’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s just a feeling… Let it go, release it, and take a deep breath …Humph… READY?!

In his book, Psychology of Achievement, Brian Tracy states that there was a study which shows, 85% joyful feeling people experience comes from their relationship with others, aside from any achievement in work, hobby, sport, etc. This emphasized a concept in my mind that relationship constitutes bigger role in society than we used to think it is. Unfortunately majority of people have no idea, what relationship, or furthermore how to love/relate with each other well. They put too much energy to pursue something that constitutes only 15% of the above-mentioned percentage. Maybe this is why most people are not happy.

When I ask people why they stay single, without the initiation to get any intimate relationship, like a romantic kind of relationship, the answers I’d get were something along the line of, “…I don’t know, just haven’t found it yet…” Or, for some people who are usually considered “more religious” by society, “…God hasn’t given me the right person yet…” My question being…

What if for several occasions in your life, apparently you did meet him/her, “The One,” that it just you didn’t realize it? Or,

What if actually God has given it to you, several times, through the course of your life, and something blinded you made you couldn’t see it? Or my favorite one,

If all of a sudden God would say this to you, “Hey, I think you’re a sweet person and good to have a relationship, what kind of partner would you want…WHAT ARE THE CRITERIA?” How would you answer that?

All of those problems exist because humph… two things… FIRST, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. SECOND, YOU DON’T FEEL/BELIEVE YOU HAVE A CHOICE IN LIFE. Me? For me, I believe that everyone, including YOU and I, deserve to get the best, and only the best in this life. Life is abundant, put it simply, there is unlimited wellness in life for all people to enjoy and share. So, you might be wondering right now, is this going to make sense or is Ganda just wasting my time?

This is going to make a lot of sense, and I’m not going to waste your time… Onward we go.

(Notes: What I’m going to share to you is my personal opinion… These are what do work for me.)

I. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

Wanting something without knowing what it is that you want is like working as an event organizer on an unknown project. It drains your energy, you don’t know what your job purpose is, and you don’t know whether you’ve already achieve it or not. I hope my sentences above sufficiently explain why it is such a bad idea. It is simply doesn’t work, period.

Knowing what you want in the context of relationship means, know what qualities/traits your future-partner has. Knowing which behaviors you can compromise, and ones which you won’t. Have standard on how your relationship going to be. And remember, when you find someone who is attractive physically for you, but you can’t tolerate some of his/her behaviors, it doesn’t mean that you are a failure nor is he/she, it only means that both of you are not compatible. That’s the best way to look at it, I think.

clip_image002Let me tell you about my story regarding this point. Before I got to college I’d decided that I want to have a relationship. I want to try to have a healthy relationship because I admit I wasn’t very good at it in the past, I would go after girl after girl after girl. One week I would have a romantic and affectionate get-together with a girl and with another girl a week after. It was silly, and I wasn’t happy. So I defined my future-girlfriend as a sweet beautiful woman, affectionate, had learned English well, with energetic behaviors so that her presence would give a refreshing-feminine kind of energy into my life. The thing was I got it. Even though it turned out after sometimes that we’re incompatible together, it was all-right, I don’t regret every single second I’ve spent with her. Again, it wasn’t a failure; it was just that we’re incompatible together. After spending sometimes without girlfriend, meditating, having fun with my friends, and learning about myself more, I will be ready to have a new one.

I. START LOVING

What, Start loving?! It doesn’t make sense Gand, I thought you would say “start chasing,” “start hunting,” or “use these set of tactics.”

Believe me, after I got cheated by a girl 3 years ago, I’ve studied dating and psychology quite extensively, having read literally more than a hundred books and countless articles regarding those topics, sarging (If you know what it is), Neuro-Linguistic-Programming, many seminars and audio-books, you name it. And I am confident now to say that, for me, chasing doesn’t work!

But I have evidence that shows many of my friends do success at getting partners by chasing?!

By success you mean… what, exactly, having a relationship with someone who’ve already “thrown” him/herself at you? Or… having a relationship with an incompatible partner towards whom you feel strong aversions, but are afraid to leave because you feel so attached that if you leave, your identity -or should I say, “Half of you”- will be destroyed, and moreover you don’t feel that you are worthy to have better lover?

By success I mean… Happy. Period.

Aside from that… “Not success.”

I don’t want to go all Zen, Dao, The Secret, or any of those spiritual stuffs here to explain what happiness is, because there is even a whole book covers only that (I would recommend “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle), but know this, love is self-hypnosis, and your happiness is your own responsibility. Got it?

Hmm, yea… But why doesn’t it work, can you give me an explanation?

Yes, in fact, I will give you two. The first is philosophical one. A Jewish spiritual teacher, Lester Levenson, stated an obvious but great sentence. He said, “You can’t really sit down when you are standing, can you?” Yes, what he meant is that there are certain things which can’t exist at a same time. You cannot wanting a car so bad while knowing that you’ve already have it, right?

Well, so what?

Here is “so what.” My point is as long as you feel a need to be loved, you can’t have it, because wanting=lacking, and you simply can’t “want” and “have” at the same time! And when you feel that you are full of love so much that you want to share it to the world, you automatically open yourself to receive it, more and more, and that’s the only way. Comperende?

And what is the second explanation why chasing doesn’t work?

It does stinks and is silly at the same time.

First you make an imaginary hyperbolic perfect version of the person you’re going to chase, in your mind, without having sufficiently balanced information regarding that person.

Second, you self-hypnotize yourself each day about that person by thinking of him/her while simultaneously reinforcing the image you’ve made in the first step.

Third, under that hypnotic trance, you put the person in the pedestal, buying shiny expensive gifts, calling four times/day, while changing your behavior according his/her preference.

Yea, I know… It’s silly. And it’s creepy; imagine someone you know does that with you as her/his object. That person is a human being, guys. Even the hottest chick in any party pukes after drinking a lot. My point is not to encourage you to view that his/her value is lower than you, but for you to view him/her as a human being, same as you.

And for your info, I do advocate if a girl wants to approach a guy first, I think there’s nothing wrong with showing love. The problem is not with whoever approaches first, but with the method.

So, how to love?

Actually love is a skill you’ll have to learn, there are several books I recommend, but the first thing you should read in my opinion is “The Abundance Book” by Lawrence Crane. For men I also recommend “The Way of the Superior Man,” In which David Deida gives some of his greatest opinion about love in his book. And also, you need to learn the communication skills you need in order to be someone whom people enjoy to be with.

For now… Just know this…

  • Love is giving, not taking.

The greatest feelings I’ve ever experienced are not happens when I taking something like affection, time, or self-esteem from someone. But rather when I give, when I share, when I help and care about someone.

  • Change your way of thinking.

I know, knowing this stuff won’t guarantee that we’ll always remember to use the principle in our everyday life. Simply because the way media exposes us toward unproductive songs, negative news in the paper, moreover our society have put “the toxic” in our heart for so long in the first place which have stored those negative stuffs in our subconscious mind. So starts growing now, find resources, books, anything. Start improving yourself right now.

  • Know what you want, and let’s have it.

Eventually you will meet someone who meets your criteria, and hopefully when that time comes, you have been comfortable and loving enough to share your world with him/her. REMEMBER, that person is not coming to your life to make your life better, but rather, to share the wellness of life with you, as a lover.

I hope you enjoy this article as I enjoy it when I’m writing this. I love you so much. You deserve to be happy. Good luck, and… See you!

Your silly friend,

Ganda.

 
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